Dear Kay,
I love you. I miss you. I am thinking of you, and I am here just as I promised.
Today, Matt encouraged me to work on expanding my guilt beyond the terrible situation that transpired to cause us this pain. While it may sound counterintuitive at first, the goal was to try to take full accountability for everything that transpired. It was a very difficult exercise, but it did help me. For the first time, I feel fully aware of the entire year that we had and the connections between not only my lack of transparency but my poor behavior on the outskirts, too.
All that you’ve ever wanted was love – trust, consistency, respect. But even beyond this, I failed you in many ways during my struggles this past year. I can recount several dozen instances in my head, all of which hurt my heart to think about now. Times when I didn’t make you feel loved in the company of others. Times when I was more focused on interacting with our guy friends, leaving you feeling less important. Times when I was short and brash with you, leaving you feeling down. There’s no excuse for this. It hurts my heart in many, many ways and I don’t think that I will ever forgive myself for it.
All that I can think about these days is hope for a chance to move forward. I feel more grounded and sturdy than ever in my own personality – my desires to be a good man, a good boyfriend, a good husband for you. You truly do deserve that and I hope that I am given the opportunity to bring it to you. You deserve love and respect on the outskirts too – my hand around your waist at the bar, grabbing your neck when we’re in a crowd and keeping you safe, showing off our relationship and love to everyone (yes, including social media).
I hope you know that I am focused on receiving you and catching you gently if and when you are ready. I will catch you with love, transparency, peace and patience. I will make sure you feel heard and accounted for – that I work actively to earn your trust through consistency and transparency.
I will not lie to you and pretend that these last several days have not brought me immense amounts of pain. But I do believe that I needed to and deserved to feel it. I will run through this thicket as far as I need to in order to get to you.
I love you always,
John
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