Dear Kay,
I did not get the chance to ask you to be my valentine today. That killed me. I am missing you terribly and thinking of you every minute of every hour. Distractions don’t work. I just sit here. I haven’t heard from you for another day. The silence is just destroying me. I know that I deserve it.
My therapist has been helping me slow down my thoughts. Maybe that’s part of what I was struggling with, too – running around too fast. So I am trying to come to peace with the fact that you need space and time. But I am scared. I fucking miss you.
I bought a few valentines day gifts to give to you when you are ready. I spent some time at a crystal shop trying to find the right ones to help you heal. I think that I found the best ones that could help you move forward – with or without me. One day, I’ll give them to you and I hope they help cleanse you of all of this.
In the meantime, I am continuing therapy every day. I am spending time in my own space, trying to be slow and give myself some grace. But it is hard.
My mom is crying, she always asks for you. My dad is a mess. That home is not a place for me to be right now. And I think the reality that I am starting to sit with is that my home was always you, and that is gone right now.
I feel so lost, so broken, and so scared that I lost you. But I will wait and be ready to receive you when you are here. I will be the best version of me that I can be. I have been thinking alot about being patient and graceful if you give me a chance to work this out. I hope you know that I will hold you so closely and carefully. I will be with you through it all – moving forward, looking back. It will be hard sometimes, easy other times.
What’s getting me through right now is the hope that we can come out of this stronger than ever. I will never hurt you again, or ever make you wonder or doubt again. I want you to feel complete confidence and commitment. I will keep you so safe.
I hope that you are okay. I am here waiting for you and will be until you are ready.
I love you always,
John
Leave a Reply