Dear Kay,
Today has been hard. I am feeling a deep level of despair and pain knowing that I may have lost you for good. The silence is deafening and while I know that you need it in order to help protect yourself, it is destroying me slowly.
I spoke to your parents earlier today. I spoke to Kat after that. I hope that you know that I did that for you and for them. I love you so much, and I love all of those people so much, too. My choices over this past year were poor and I have to own them. I tried to communicate to them that I struggled this past year, but I am focused on helping you heal and building a future together with you. They helped me feel a little better about our hopes of talking again and trying to work this out, but I can’t guarantee anything and that is my own fault.
The thought of you moving on brokenhearted breaks me and hurts me so much. I have never felt pain like that in my life. I picture you with someone else, walking out into the world alone, myself having let you go with my own stupidity. I feel rage. I feel anger.
I am trying to just keep my head down and continue working. To be the best for you. So that I can receive you when you are ready. I will be the best man that I can be. I can feel the changes and I know that I can bring you the trust and commitment you need.
I will wait.
I am here.
I am dying waiting for you, but I am here.
I love you,
John